Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in XenophobicRose's LiveJournal:

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Friday, May 20th, 2005
12:44 am	Seriously my only worthwhile update, oh I changed girlfriends a few times. In fact, so often I didn't bother switching between single and in a relationship. Which Family Guy character are you? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
3:27 am	It's like ... FUCK That when I realize why the hell am I caring about staying with one stupid girl that I don't even like that much in the first place??? Shoot me for being how stupid I am and how much time/money I wasted, in hindsight I think it's just cause I commited so damn much that I'm too stubborn to just let it go. Which is stupid because now there is someone I click with and I can't even be with her because I have stupid girlfriend. Gargh Shoot me NOW (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 14th, 2004
9:03 pm	Stuff So ... like ... I really don't have any idea what to write. I'm alive and such. (I REALLY AM!) I'm like magnificently broke, I have an entire dollar till the end of the month so feel free to mail me money. It's odd, Mara brought up earlier that will I like her less now that she's actually fallen for me. I think somewhere I did recognize that but I have no idea at the moment ... Whatever, I'm tired, bai. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
12:31 am	I'm almost sure... I'm almost sure Mara's seeing someone else right now. I will NOT let her have the last word on me so I'm going to call it off with her tomorrow or Wednesday. Probably Wednesday since I won't be seeing her in person tomorrow. In fact, I'll probably go out with someone else starting tomorrow. Even if I'm wrong, I'm not going to take this anymore anyway. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 31st, 2004
10:29 pm	Dear Journal Alright so this entry's sort of late but this week has been pretty nice. Well nice for Drace's roller coaster experience. =) Friday was pretty awesome actually. I got to spend the entire majority of the weekend with Mara. (Ouch she even left the marks ...) We went to Time's Square to this very nice restaurant called Ollie's Soup and Grill that was booked full for twenty minutes but the wait was worth it! It was pretty inexpensive, the full meal for two of us ran like 30 dollars including tip and we didn't even finish it. Then Mara treated me to some ice cream, she had Mint Mint Chocolate and I took a Raspberry Sorbet which we had on the steps of some random theater. The rest of the weekend is ah ... private. Today didn't go so great even though the morning wasn't so bad. The afternoon went sort of awry but it shouldn't be anything too bad. If worst comes to worst, I think I'll settle for just being friends with her. I feel sort of bad for things with Tameira and Charlotte. I do really like both of them but this floating thing with Mara is just sticking out there. I know eventually it'll blow up but eh ... I'll face that when it comes. As for life itself, well wish me luck on the modeling interview or the art gallery internship. Adieu! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
11:27 am	... Mara is slowly killing me ... ~~~ Drace (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 24th, 2004
4:32 pm	I am European Which America Hating Minority Are You? Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons (Comment on this)
Monday, October 18th, 2004
7:29 pm	Ugh... So ... there's this girl, I have a HUGE crush on. And today I bump into her twice! So think would be the perfect time to ask her out right? I mean, I'm Drace! In terms of starting anything with women (ok so the finishing part is insane but that's another tale ...) I've no problems with it! Plus she was the one that started talking to me anyway, so all should be fine ... NO?! Ugh, first meeting; Drace: Oh hello! Olivia: Hey! Drace: So umm... are you heading to class? Olivia: Yeah ... Drace: Oh ... well, I was going to ask you if ... nevermind I'm too nervous for it. Olivia: *laughs* ok ... *Drace five minutes later* *Thinking, "Why did I just do that?!", goes to smother self with pillows* *A few conversations with people later, I'm back to normal. Alright, now if I see her again, I'm DEFINITELY going to ask her out ...* *And lo and behold, I do bump into her.* Drace: Oh ... salut, twice in one day. Olivia: Heyas! Drace: ... *And it ALL GOES DOWNHILL FROM THERE* Thank you for enjoying this very special episode, oh Tazmin you must be laughing hard right now ..., of Drace's smoothness around people he has a crush on ... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
1:35 am	What a nifty title ... "claireinterrupted: G'day there, oh Muse of the Dour" *laughs ...* (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 16th, 2004
2:46 pm	Perhaps Depression may be contagious, this deep sense of loss. I wonder if I can inspire by example, I'm going to stop turning back when I've already burned the bridges. I have so little time, and I must stop wasting it on regrets! ~~~ Drace (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
1:02 am	Deathless Deathless Hope you are well this morning, I wake up from the last night’s thoughts of you, like every morning, I drew the line at ... somewhere Between friendship and love, Or perhaps love and lust, Where I wanted you physically, But loved you emotionally, The night, on your bed for two, I held you in my arms, Only because I wanted the warmth Of your skin to drive away the coldness Of mine, your fingers wove upon my shoulders, when I spread the covers Over you, afraid you were cold, the moment, yours were no longer against mine. The hardest thing for me to say That night, because I knew you could Not love me, why say it when I knew Refusal wrack my spirit, and feel pains tremble Through my bones. You told me, “don’t sound so sad,” And I shrugged it off, “I wasn’t”. Why did I tell you that night? “I love you” Because my lie Was killing me, and I wanted a slower Death, if only to see you longer. I will miss you, my dearest fairy, as I often do, when we’re apart, because your distance is so much more apparent, I’m unable to delude myself with your physical closeness. You’re not my fairy, that’s a lie, You were only mine when I hoped to pick you Up when your wings were broken, So that you may fly anew, And bless someone else with your presence, Things like this I want to discuss in person. You keep pushing me away when I'm close and pulling me when I'm distant ... I'm trying to balance on that thin line where you want me but I'm afraid of falling, Because I’ve forgotten how to fly, I'm afraid of seeing your smile again, the way it lights the freckles of your face, the reminders of our physical attraction, poorly substituting our emotional deficit. like the sunset carefully draping it's orange red cloak over the horizon, never meeting it but it tries anew. Every day. Committing, romanticide. Our five year rift seperating, my yin from your yang, the way you marked bitterly Orpheus and Eurydice, how if you looked back, you realize we will not be ... Unless you want me to, I won't leave you, Even if you ask me to, I’m frightened, I can’t. I’m frightened at something I don’t understand. But your heart is too good to request that of me, Your gentle smile pierces my cold façade, Even if I cross my arms to guard me, I feel naked before you, still, shivering cold. ... I'm probably overanalyzing everything Like how your color, pink, is a combination of my red and white, I kissed you to sleep, while you waited for a prince to wake you, why you wonder why I'm such a prude, not realizing it's my response to our emotional distance ... “Wrong", it's so subjective. my adherence to courtesy, it would be wrong for me to flee from you, but is it not wrong if we're standing on opposites ends of this broken bridge? Your ability to smile despite my resounding bitterness, The smile that carries the burdens of your life and mine, Your eyes that sees through to comfort me, by hearing me, Your good that shines through this life’s evil. Mine. I had liked you the moment I met you, I had loved you the moment I knew you. If you only knew what I knew, Why I OD on these tears during the night, I keep them hidden pushed behind my eyelids Now they drown me in my voice, choke me Slowly, my tears are killing me. But even then, you try so hard to comfort me, Can you not tell? I don’t deserve it, If I take it, even after you forgive me, How can I forgive myself? You’re trapped With me, in this web of romanticide … (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 10th, 2004
2:13 pm	Horrid revelation... I'm addicted to tea ... green tea to be precise. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 9th, 2004
3:37 am	... I have failed ... My duty, My word, My oath, How naive, silly, almost pitiful ... Now I cling to honor like the last vestiges of myself that I have not discarded for the sake of ... What? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 9th, 2004
12:04 am	Dear journal, Alright, so I haven't written for awhile. There's this thing called, "lack of time". No, that's more an excuse, it's more that I have an enormity of thoughts that putting them all on paper just will seem to take forever. So I procrastinate. Am I going to update with my current status? Unlikely, I plan on signing off in a few minutes anyway. However, I must profess one amusement. People on internet forums and their "serious discussions". Talk about facade and futile attempts at philosiphique, no? Regard this latest question I read recently, "What is the meaning of life?" Oh for fucks sake, you're joking on this one right? What is the meaning of life? Well I can tell you this much of a hint, most likely not on the internet forum. While you all attempt to figure out why I find this not only pathetic but amusing at the same time, I will only assume you have the intellect to figure it out without me clarifying. Till then, if you actually figure out the meaning of life, drop me a line. Adieu (Comment on this)
Friday, May 21st, 2004
2:31 am	A Midnight Courting I received invite to a midnight ball, This manse I was only a visitor, To a far heavenly in grandeur hall, My breath must have left, I dreamt life after, When I saw her upon those dusk black tiles, Pale white her skin almost a shade ashen, Her belladonna eyes of luring wiles, I had fallen for her morbid fashion, She gave me a glimpse beckoning my urge, Such that her sanguine smile struck me entrance, The organ played a most romantic dirge, Sweeping forward I request for this dance, At that, she laughed soft and gently deny, To me, "No, not now, this dance is not thine." (Comment on this)
1:37 am	Snow White Winter with its fresh fallen snow, Crept gently 'pon my black door, White innocent, not friend nor foe, But whose cold I begged to know. Autumn leaves that dress the gray floor Make illusion, shadows at life, Came Winter, Autumn was before, Echoing still, its lies nevermore, Winter whose hail fell hard with strife, Am I stranger to promised woe, No I courted her, my future wife, Perhaps I had joy (twist the knife!), Spring has bloom, these flowers will show, Promises of hope, and falls, it sow, Where, wherefore! Did my Winter go, With her tearful fresh fallen snow? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
12:33 am	Point of view The first thought is the same as the last. There is no difference between thoughts, all thoughts are one. Should someone master one thought, he should master all. If you know one person's true thought, you will know him. Of course, to know the true thought, you must know the first. To know the first is to know the last. Think on the last thought and find it back at the first. That is mastery. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 25th, 2004
8:57 pm	My Winter I had aptly wondered where words came from, No hypothetical Muse in my thoughts, Dominated by emotions, guised by bitter-frost panes, Of ice. Cold, bittersweet I gave birth to these thoughts, Writing, words that are like daggers in my thoughts, Sharp icy cold daggers. Really they are, They are, probing on my retreat but I refuse, Like unwelcome guests, I saw only glimpses of them Distorted they may be by my past’s unwholesome dominances, Shut my door, I will allow them no further, Away with their false promises, words sweet poison, No! Approach no further, this where I take my stand, Mistakes I’ve made but I repeat no longer by, Now! My dominance, I herald with these word dripping Forth from my pen. Wondering do you, what I keep? In behind these chained fences where I weave my … Bitter Winter. Yes! Slowly, I blow out the candles of These. Those, those little wisps asking to be named emotions, Melting away, so I can laugh at vengeful neurosis. No more! My lady and my sword! This is my bitter Winter. Keep me frozen again with your sweet embrace … (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 12th, 2004
11:58 pm	Trish Looking through contact lenses across my computer screen, The lines, words all a blur, like my thoughts of you, I’ve prepared to lay them to rest tonight to be awakened, Another day, but even as you’re just an apparition out of focus, My steps go closer; I’m losing these words from you, Running to catch them, I think I’ve stumbled, fell, It’s raining today I wondered if those fell your tears or mine, I wanted to tell you that I do, I do … Watching the clock approach midnight, it hasn’t struck yet, I wished before this night to tell you, how truly I miss you., Farewell (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
12:54 am	Arrest There was a description lately, a word of how you make me feel as I talk to you. There was a certain tinge, and shiver as your letters of hot pink collides upon mine's of scarlet. There, we had passed along thoughts of love, romance, sorrow, anger, frustration, emotional overdrive that you thought were too much to handle and I had not enough. Have we there lost our balance where I had placed you within my world, as the stars. Yet you confuse me so with your wants, miscommunications between the pixels working together to form basic thoughts and expression we're shouting over each other. Something you whispered, I haven't heard apparent ... I dance upon polar opposites while you remain firm when our mind had differed, so our hearts collapse. For, I believed in the fire that ignites the sun while touching on the frost that the night chills. But you have thought, that either moments, it was too scalding, my heart had been too hot, perhaps, you've heard the moments, I'm worshipping the pure moonlight wondering -273.15 Celsius froze my thoughts. You sought to balance my temperament frivolous with a grasp of the earth. While even in my most darkest recesses of angst, I'd wish to free you so we may fly ... Have us made things impossible between us, twas me that had shaken your world to have broken your heart. Twas you that had said no more, even though you still yet amaze me. How do you keep me clinging ... when from the gentlest butterfly to the thunderous dragon, I've traced, I've yearned to fly. Ah yes, the description, the word of how I felt ... Why is it, you placed me ... under such - arrest? (Comment on this)