XenophobicRose

Seriously my only worthwhile update, oh I changed girlfriends a few times.

2005-05-20T04:45:08Z

In fact, so often I didn't bother switching between single and in a relationship.

Which Family Guy character are you?

It's like ...

2005-02-23T08:34:44Z

FUCK That when I realize why the hell am I caring about staying with one stupid girl that I don't even like that much in the first place???

Shoot me for being how stupid I am and how much time/money I wasted, in hindsight I think it's just cause I commited so damn much that I'm too stubborn to just let it go.

Which is stupid because now there is someone I click with and I can't even be with her because I have stupid girlfriend. Gargh

Shoot me NOW

Stuff

2004-11-15T02:06:50Z

So ... like ... I really don't have any idea what to write. I'm alive and such. (I REALLY AM!)

I'm like magnificently broke, I have an entire dollar till the end of the month so feel free to mail me money. It's odd, Mara brought up earlier that will I like her less now that she's actually fallen for me. I think somewhere I did recognize that but I have no idea at the moment ...

Whatever, I'm tired, bai.

I'm almost sure...

2004-11-02T05:32:33Z

I'm almost sure Mara's seeing someone else right now. I will NOT let her have the last word on me so I'm going to call it off with her tomorrow or Wednesday. Probably Wednesday since I won't be seeing her in person tomorrow. In fact, I'll probably go out with someone else starting tomorrow. Even if I'm wrong, I'm not going to take this anymore anyway.

Dear Journal

2004-11-01T03:35:50Z

Alright so this entry's sort of late but this week has been pretty nice. Well nice for Drace's roller coaster experience. =)

Friday was pretty awesome actually. I got to spend the entire majority of the weekend with Mara. (Ouch she even left the marks ...) We went to Time's Square to this very nice restaurant called Ollie's Soup and Grill that was booked full for twenty minutes but the wait was worth it! It was pretty inexpensive, the full meal for two of us ran like 30 dollars including tip and we didn't even finish it. Then Mara treated me to some ice cream, she had Mint Mint Chocolate and I took a Raspberry Sorbet which we had on the steps of some random theater. The rest of the weekend is ah ... private.

Today didn't go so great even though the morning wasn't so bad. The afternoon went sort of awry but it shouldn't be anything too bad. If worst comes to worst, I think I'll settle for just being friends with her. I feel sort of bad for things with Tameira and Charlotte. I do really like both of them but this floating thing with Mara is just sticking out there. I know eventually it'll blow up but eh ... I'll face that when it comes.

As for life itself, well wish me luck on the modeling interview or the art gallery internship. Adieu!

...

2004-10-26T15:28:46Z

Mara
is slowly
killing me ...

~~~
Drace

xenophobicrose @ 2004-10-24T16:32:00

2004-10-24T20:32:13Z

I am European

Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons

What a nifty title ...

2004-10-20T05:38:45Z

"claireinterrupted: G'day there, oh Muse of the Dour"

*laughs ...*

Ugh...

2004-10-18T23:35:23Z

So ... there's this girl, I have a HUGE crush on. And today I bump into her twice! So think would be the perfect time to ask her out right? I mean, I'm Drace! In terms of starting anything with women (ok so the finishing part is insane but that's another tale ...) I've no problems with it! Plus she was the one that started talking to me anyway, so all should be fine ...

NO?!

Ugh, first meeting;

Drace: Oh hello!
Olivia: Hey!
Drace: So umm... are you heading to class?
Olivia: Yeah ...
Drace: Oh ... well, I was going to ask you if ... nevermind I'm too nervous for it.
Olivia: *laughs* ok ...

*Drace five minutes later*
*Thinking, "Why did I just do that?!", goes to smother self with pillows*

*A few conversations with people later, I'm back to normal. Alright, now if I see her again, I'm DEFINITELY going to ask her out ...*

*And lo and behold, I do bump into her.*

Drace: Oh ... salut, twice in one day.
Olivia: Heyas!
Drace: ...

*And it ALL GOES DOWNHILL FROM THERE*

Thank you for enjoying this very special episode, oh Tazmin you must be laughing hard right now ..., of Drace's smoothness around people he has a crush on ...

Perhaps

2004-10-16T18:53:09Z

Depression may be contagious, this deep sense of loss. I wonder if I can inspire by example, I'm going to stop turning back when I've already burned the bridges. I have so little time, and I must stop wasting it on regrets!

~~~
Drace

Deathless

2004-10-12T05:03:21Z

Deathless

Hope you are well this morning,
I wake up from the last night’s
thoughts of you, like every morning,

I drew the line at ... somewhere
Between friendship and love,
Or perhaps love and lust,
Where I wanted you physically,
But loved you emotionally,
The night, on your bed for two,
I held you in my arms,
Only because I wanted the warmth
Of your skin to drive away the coldness
Of mine, your fingers wove upon my shoulders,
when I spread the covers
Over you, afraid you were cold,
the moment, yours were no longer against mine.

The hardest thing for me to say
That night, because I knew you could
Not love me, why say it when I knew
Refusal wrack my spirit, and feel pains tremble
Through my bones. You told me, “don’t sound so sad,”
And I shrugged it off, “I wasn’t”.
Why did I tell you that night?
“I love you”
Because my lie
Was killing me, and I wanted a slower
Death, if only to see you longer.

I will miss you, my
dearest fairy, as I often do,
when we’re apart, because your distance
is so much more apparent, I’m unable
to delude myself with your physical closeness.
You’re not my fairy, that’s a lie,
You were only mine when I hoped to pick you
Up when your wings were broken,
So that you may fly anew,
And bless someone else with your presence,

Things like this I want to discuss in person.
You keep pushing me away when I'm close and pulling me
when I'm distant ... I'm trying to balance on that
thin line where you want me but I'm afraid of falling,
Because I’ve forgotten how to fly,
I'm afraid of seeing your smile again,
the way it lights the freckles of your face,
the reminders of our physical attraction,
poorly substituting our emotional deficit.

like the sunset carefully draping it's orange red
cloak over the horizon, never meeting it but it
tries anew. Every day. Committing, romanticide.
Our five year rift seperating,
my yin from your yang,
the way you marked bitterly Orpheus and Eurydice,
how if you looked back,
you realize we will not be ...

Unless you want me to, I won't leave you,
Even if you ask me to, I’m frightened, I can’t.
I’m frightened at something I don’t understand.
But your heart is too good to request that of me,
Your gentle smile pierces my cold façade,
Even if I cross my arms to guard me,
I feel naked before you, still, shivering cold.

... I'm probably overanalyzing everything
Like how your color, pink,
is a combination of my red and white,
I kissed you to sleep,
while you waited for a prince to wake you,
why you wonder why I'm such a prude,
not realizing it's my response to our emotional distance ...

“Wrong", it's so subjective.
my adherence to courtesy,
it would be wrong for me to flee from you,
but is it not wrong if we're standing
on opposites ends of this broken bridge?
Your ability to smile despite my resounding bitterness,
The smile that carries the burdens of your life and mine,
Your eyes that sees through to comfort me, by hearing me,
Your good that shines through this life’s evil. Mine.
I had liked you the moment I met you,
I had loved you the moment I knew you.

If you only knew what I knew,
Why I OD on these tears during the night,
I keep them hidden pushed behind my eyelids
Now they drown me in my voice, choke me
Slowly, my tears are killing me.
But even then, you try so hard to comfort me,
Can you not tell? I don’t deserve it,
If I take it, even after you forgive me,
How can I forgive myself? You’re trapped
With me, in this web of romanticide …

Horrid revelation...

2004-10-10T18:14:21Z

I'm addicted to tea ... green tea to be precise.

...

2004-10-09T07:38:28Z

I have failed ...
My duty,
My word,
My oath,

How naive, silly, almost pitiful ...
Now I cling to honor like the last vestiges of myself that I have not discarded for the sake of ...

What?

xenophobicrose @ 2004-07-09T00:04:00

2004-07-08T22:08:43Z

Dear journal,

Alright, so I haven't written for awhile. There's this thing called, "lack of time". No, that's more an excuse, it's more that I have an enormity of thoughts that putting them all on paper just will seem to take forever. So I procrastinate. Am I going to update with my current status? Unlikely, I plan on signing off in a few minutes anyway.

However, I must profess one amusement. People on internet forums and their "serious discussions". Talk about facade and futile attempts at philosiphique, no? Regard this latest question I read recently, "What is the meaning of life?" Oh for fucks sake, you're joking on this one right? What is the meaning of life? Well I can tell you this much of a hint, most likely not on the internet forum. While you all attempt to figure out why I find this not only pathetic but amusing at the same time, I will only assume you have the intellect to figure it out without me clarifying. Till then, if you actually figure out the meaning of life, drop me a line.

Adieu

A Midnight Courting

2004-05-21T06:37:47Z

I received invite to a midnight ball,
This manse I was only a visitor,
To a far heavenly in grandeur hall,
My breath must have left, I dreamt life after,
When I saw her upon those dusk black tiles,
Pale white her skin almost a shade ashen,
Her belladonna eyes of luring wiles,
I had fallen for her morbid fashion,
She gave me a glimpse beckoning my urge,
Such that her sanguine smile struck me entrance,
The organ played a most romantic dirge,
Sweeping forward I request for this dance,
At that, she laughed soft and gently deny,
To me, "No, not now, this dance is not thine."

Snow White

2004-05-21T05:37:39Z

Winter with its fresh fallen snow,
Crept gently 'pon my black door,
White innocent, not friend nor foe,
But whose cold I begged to know.

Autumn leaves that dress the gray floor
Make illusion, shadows at life,
Came Winter, Autumn was before,
Echoing still, its lies nevermore,

Winter whose hail fell hard with strife,
Am I stranger to promised woe,
No I courted her, my future wife,
Perhaps I had joy (twist the knife!),

Spring has bloom, these flowers will show,
Promises of hope, and falls, it sow,
Where, wherefore! Did my Winter go,
With her tearful fresh fallen snow?

Point of view

2004-05-05T04:36:08Z

The first thought is the same as the last. There is no difference between thoughts, all thoughts are one. Should someone master one thought, he should master all. If you know one person's true thought, you will know him. Of course, to know the true thought, you must know the first. To know the first is to know the last. Think on the last thought and find it back at the first. That is mastery.

My Winter

2004-04-26T00:57:22Z

I had aptly wondered where words came from,
No hypothetical Muse in my thoughts,
Dominated by emotions, guised by bitter-frost panes,
Of ice. Cold, bittersweet I gave birth to these thoughts,
Writing, words that are like daggers in my thoughts,
Sharp icy cold daggers. Really they are,
They are, probing on my retreat but I refuse,
Like unwelcome guests, I saw only glimpses of them
Distorted they may be by my past’s unwholesome dominances,
Shut my door, I will allow them no further,
Away with their false promises, words sweet poison,
No! Approach no further, this where I take my stand,
Mistakes I’ve made but I repeat no longer by,
Now! My dominance, I herald with these word dripping
Forth from my pen. Wondering do you, what I keep?
In behind these chained fences where I weave my …
Bitter Winter. Yes! Slowly, I blow out the candles of
These. Those, those little wisps asking to be named emotions,
Melting away, so I can laugh at vengeful neurosis.
No more! My lady and my sword! This is my bitter Winter.
Keep me frozen again with your sweet embrace …

Trish

2004-04-13T03:58:31Z

Looking through contact lenses across my computer screen,
The lines, words all a blur, like my thoughts of you,
I’ve prepared to lay them to rest tonight to be awakened,
Another day, but even as you’re just an apparition out of focus,
My steps go closer; I’m losing these words from you,
Running to catch them, I think I’ve stumbled, fell,
It’s raining today I wondered if those fell your tears or mine,
I wanted to tell you that I do, I do …
Watching the clock approach midnight, it hasn’t struck yet,
I wished before this night to tell you, how truly I miss you.,
Farewell

Arrest

2004-02-25T05:55:28Z

There was a description lately, a word of how
you make me feel as I talk to you.
There was a certain tinge, and shiver as your letters of hot pink
collides upon mine's of scarlet. There, we had passed along thoughts
of love, romance, sorrow, anger, frustration, emotional overdrive
that you thought were too much to handle and I had not enough.
Have we there lost our balance where I had placed you within
my world, as the stars. Yet you confuse me so with your wants,
miscommunications between the pixels working together to form
basic thoughts and expression we're shouting over each other.
Something you whispered, I haven't heard apparent ...
I dance upon polar opposites while you remain firm when
our mind had differed, so our hearts collapse.
For, I believed in the fire that ignites the sun while touching on the
frost that the night chills. But you have thought, that either moments,
it was too scalding, my heart had been too hot, perhaps, you've heard
the moments, I'm worshipping the pure moonlight wondering
-273.15 Celsius froze my thoughts. You sought to balance
my temperament frivolous with a grasp of the earth. While even in my
most darkest recesses of angst, I'd wish to free you so we may fly ...
Have us made things impossible between us, twas me
that had shaken your world to have broken your heart.
Twas you that had said no more, even though you still yet amaze
me. How do you keep me clinging ... when from the gentlest
butterfly to the thunderous dragon, I've traced, I've yearned to fly.
Ah yes, the description, the word of how I felt ...
Why is it, you placed me ... under such - arrest?

Need name for this poem

2004-02-03T10:40:57Z

The sunlight still streams as dawn’s extended fingers,
Magnificent in beauty the sky only blushes,
Glittering like mermaid scales across the water,
Illuminating every pore of people’s homes,
Spring was here! Spring was here! It had announced,

I had thrown open my window then to greet,
Morning birds’ prattle tickled my ears,
I filled my bosom with the first breath of air,
Throwing the window open to peer outdoors,
Spring was here! Spring was here! It had announced,

The gentle buzzing of bees against the garden,
Symphony with the caressing whispers of the wind,
The careful orchestra to chant the most innocent aria,
To it danced colors against the tree’s blooming leaves,
Spring was here! Spring was here! It had announced,

Those days long past and gone collapsed,
The leaves crumbled brown and crumbled,
People wonder what was wrong with me,
Enrapt by the gentle beauty of melodrama,

I answer simply, For happiness is but illusion, a fleeting dream,
Sadness is eternal, truthful and lies not to me …

xenophobicrose @ 2004-01-01T13:32:00

2004-01-01T18:32:46Z

Because...

When seeing you makes me shy of thought,
My mind goes blank when words becomes thoughts pretense.
In which "et amour" and "au revoir" are caught.
Playing the part; of a moth near light; too tense.
Thoughts of you makes me nervous and so I hide,
Sheltered within indifference and nonchalance like knives
which carves those delicate wrists, blood flowing like ocean tides.
I thirst for it, like those undying hungers for you...

Yes I have feigned smiles and kisses to drown hearts
in sins. I lied because you were just another
score for me. Playing you was just refined art.
To wrap you around my fingers whether chained or tethered.
I tell you this because I hope you knew...
Even within this web of lies, I loved you...

Infection Chapter I

2003-11-01T03:47:55Z

The cliffs. I watched them clash against the waves, struggling. It was futility. The cliff will fall ... in time. As do all things, even these waters, will fade … till they become tiny drops through evanescence.

The sun was an ember-dimmed glow now. Shadowing against the cliff, ominous, drenching it with its rust colored sweat. The stones wears away, small grains, drop by drop against the bittersweet caress. The horizon falls over the waters like morning dew. It’s reflection glimmering against the rocks.

And than there were the waves, foaming like rabid dogs. Their attack was slow, torturously laboring away at their task, taunting. They taunted me with their baits, teasing me with promises. Even the sun’s grace against their skin ached my eyes should I stare too long on it.

I had no vertigo from my perch … that would require a fear of death. No, I stood upon the salt-rimed rocks, awaiting it. But the waves still deny me my release. I shiver, racked by anxiety, pinpricks upon my skin, the wind was chilling my bones. But still I waited … the waves will come …

xenophobicrose @ 2003-06-30T09:04:00

2003-06-30T13:16:06Z

I know I'm supposed to be vastly entertaining to all you lurkers here but I apologize for the delay of my daily routine.

umm....?

2003-06-23T14:11:19Z

xenophobicrose
Magic Number	9
Job	Porn Star
Personality	Slacker
Temperament	Pussy Cat
Sexual	Whatever, Whenever, Whoever
Likely To Win	A Swimming Badge
Me - In A Word	Beautiful
Colour
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